When dealing with miscarriage there are constant ups and downs.
Some things are unexpected, when the emotions catch me off guard. Such as looking through photos from when I was still pregnant, but unaware of my future loss. We were in Palm Springs on vacation the week before my miscarriage. I cried when looking back through those photos, where we posed to capture those happy memories, not knowing that a miscarriage was just days away. I can't look at those photos without feeling mixed emotions. We had a wonderful vacation, with memories that I want to savor forever. But I cannot think back on those days without feeling this deep sense of sadness. It's a weird concept to grasp, the fact that I was pregnant one day, and not the next.
I look back at pictures of my pregnancy with Addison and feel joy, knowing that the precious baby I dreamt about for nine months was home in my arms. How blessed am I, to get to look at this smiling face, those beautiful blue-green eyes? Her laugh makes me laugh, her joy fills my heart, and each moment with her is so precious. Yet it breaks my heart to think that I will never experience this with my angel baby. All of these moments with Addison that I adore, a lifetime of love, were stolen away from me and my angel.
Anger is a normal part of grief, and I have faced my fair share of anger during personal losses, yet this time I feel more disappointment than anger. Through all of my losses, I've always been able to retain my faith in God, to trust that He is in control. Yet I've been angry with him before, and screamed and ranted to him about the unfairness of life. Losing my uncle was unfair, losing my mother-in-law was unfair, losing Wes' cousin was unfair, losing MY BABY was unfair. I hate this. I hate this pain, and this heartache. I am so tired of feeling heartache. I long for the happy, care-free days when suffering was not a part of my daily life. But I can barely remember those days, so long ago. It feels like we are just starting to pull our lives together, to find happiness in our days more often than sadness.
But now this.
Another loss. Another heartache to grieve and try to live through. I'm tired of just trying to survive. I want to live, without grief, to feel happiness without such sadness. But this is a part of life. We were never promised to have perfect lives without tribulations. We were promised eternity in heaven, where life truly is perfect, and free from pain and heartache. How wonderful that will be, to live without this constant ache in my heart.
In my weakness, I whined to Wes about this unfairness. Hadn't we suffered enough over the last couple years? We didn't deserve this. Why did we have to face a miscarriage? Why couldn't my baby be perfect and healthy? And my husband, always so calm, so much like his amazing mom, put our struggles into perspective, by reminding me that so many other people have it worse. Some people don't have a loving relationship, or a sweet child. Some people are sick, fighting terrible life-threatening diseases. We have each other, our daughter, our family and friends, our home, our health. Remembering to thank God each day for my blessings has done wonders for my heart. It helps to ease any bitterness, and allows me the strength and comfort I need to get past this grief.
It doesn't mean that my pain is gone. But putting forward a grateful heart instead of my bitter one helps me to find the happiness in each day. It's like grasping at straws, trying to find any and every little thing that can give me hope, something to look forward to through the darkness.
It reminds me of my pregnancy with Addison. Within two weeks of my mother-in-law's passing, I got pregnant. We were so surprised, yet unbelievably grateful for that blessing. She was our balm for the pain, our hope for a better and brighter future. My pregnancy with Addison gave us something to look forward to through the darkness; she was our ray of sunshine through the many months of grieving. And now, after my miscarriage, she is again our greatest blessing. Our ray of sunshine, our hope and joy, our light that will get us through this darkness.
I've lost one baby, but I am beyond blessed to still have this sweet girl to hug and love.
I came across this quote that I found very interesting:
Wherever you are now is God's provision, not his punishment. Celebrate this moment and try very hard to do it with conscious gratitude. - Luci Swindoll
"Celebrate this moment". Not to celebrate the moment of miscarriage, but to celebrate the other moments of my life. Like this one; I'm typing on my computer, pouring out my broken heart for the world to see, while my sweet girl is snuggled up next to me, watching her favorite movie. I don't celebrate that I am no longer pregnant, but I can celebrate this moment with my daughter. I can love and appreciate this moment while she is small and snuggly, and enjoy the sound of her voice as she talks about the characters in her movie. And I can do it with "conscious gratitude". To purposefully be grateful for all these other moments and blessings.
"Not his punishment". I've had moments of weakness when I worried that this miscarriage was a punishment. I thought that because I wasn't a good enough mom, I didn't deserve another child, so God took my baby away. But that's not true. Our God is a merciful God. He knows that I am a sinner, that I make poor choices and give in to my human weaknesses. But He is merciful, and when I ask for forgiveness, and am truly repentant, He forgives me.
I am grateful for a merciful God. I am grateful for my husband, and my daughter. I am grateful for God's grace, and that He sent Jesus to our world of sinners, so that I could be saved. I am grateful for His promise to me of an eternity in heaven. This life is hard. It is brutal and full of heartache. This life is also so very fleeting. Just the blink of an eye, really. In this life on earth I will struggle and grieve, but in heaven I will celebrate and love, and spend an eternity in peace and happiness.
I am so grateful.
For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon you. (Psalm 86:5)
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:4-5)
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights. (James 1:17)
Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. (Colossians 4:2)
Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name. (1 Chronicles 29:13)
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Psalm 107:1)
Blessings, from my family to yours.